After graduating as a Mechanical Engineer, I worked in Tata Motors for two years, subsequent to which I decided to leave ob and prepare for Civil Services. I came to Delhi, away from home, and started my preparation.

The first year was smooth, I was preparing, studying, and was confident of cracking the exam, but sadly I did not. The second-year the cycle repeated: same books, same notes, same classes, same questions, same confidence, but I failed again.

In the third year, I decided to start giving other exams too, and opted for RBI Grade B. I was good at reasoning, Quant and English, and thought RBI Grade B will be a piece of cake for me. For full-year, I dug myself in a hole with just my books and started preparing. The exam went very well, and I was sure about cracking the exam this time.

I started researching the work, posting, salary, and started living in fairyland was I was living a perfect life. But this dream was shattered when the result came out and once again I had let myself down. I had no clue what to do next, three years of my life had just gone by right in front of my eyes, with a lot of knowledge and independence, but zero gain, job and monetary wise.

I called up my friend and told him ‘ I screwed up this life, now I want to start afresh’. I had gone into the loop of depression and all I could think of was killing myself and starting afresh. For over a month, all i did was hurt myself, criticise myself for being such a loser and a failure who could do nothing in life.

My confidence went downhill, and the confident Ankita Pathak was lost in the world of books, which gave me nothing in return.

Now that it has been 3 years since this incident, I know those were bad times but what stricks me rather shocking is, I was responsible for all of it. Instead of motivating and encouraging myself, I decided to instead bash and blame myself and thus continued the loop.

Why we behave as we do?

They have always been debates about the working of the human brain, but what we forget is it not just a machine but a powerhouse, which controls each moment of ours. From waking up early in the morning to reading, daily chores, and finally going to bed at night, the mind guides us through life. Thus, it is important to listen to it.

We, humans, have a very peculiar nature, while we require appreciation from outside, we are open to criticism internally. We tend to think low of ourselves, and time to time discourage ourselves by remarks like:

You cannot do it.
You are such a loser.
You look so ugly.
You are so fat.

But when we meet some closed ones, we always greet them with:

You look so beautiful
You are amazing
You made my day

and other flowery sentences. Have you ever thought of actually criticizing your loved ones, with the remarks you make for yourself? No. Why? because you love then and do not want them to get hurt.

When you are so hesitant to say anything to them, how can you be so critical of yourself?

The saying ‘ Love yourself, for others to love you’ is correct. We are so involved in criticising ourselves, that we seek validation from the people around us. In my 28 years of life, I have never seen someone, going full blazing with confidence with not a chinks in their armour.

So it is necessary for each individual to recognise and accept who they are. It is important to encourage yourself and listen to not just the comments but also the compliments your body is giving you.

This will make you smarter, optimistic and less judgemental about yourself.

My passion for writing has taken me to different places, but now I have decided to settle with Medium, where I can share and communicate with the world.